Sunday, May 07, 2006

Thank God for you, Johnny...

So I'm getting to that point in the year where I'm feeling restless and ready for something to happen. This is around the time I would usually be taking a vacation, or getting ready for the summer, or whatever. Thing is, my life's not going to change so drastically for the summer....still living at home, still working ridiculous hours at the same job, still seeing the same old people. A few of my friends will be coming back and a few will be going away, but on the whole my life is staying constant....and I want something to happen. Something big and new and different. Preferably, I'd like to fall in love, but in lieu of that I'd like something good to happen.

I've got a good feeling about this summer, which is a nice change from the ominous feelings I've had about summer's past. I'm just so tired of being the same old person. I want to get in shape and go out and have fun and really enjoy my life. And I feel like this summer is a prime time to do a lot of the things I want to do.

I'm so tired of myself. I'm changing, little by little, but I'm still annoyed with who I am, in some respects. I like myself on the whole, I think I'm a good, hard working, honest, nice person. I know that several people genuinely love me. But there are still some outstanding flaws I'd like to get under control. I'm tired of being tired and angry and lonely and a wet blanket. I want to get to the point where I can go out and do what I think I should do, and not care about what people think of me. I'd like to find a nice balance between being considerate and being a doormat. I'd like to learn to say no to people. I'd like to go out and be able to sit down and have a beer or two at a party and not get trashed but still have a good time. I'd like to change the way I deal with guys, stop playing games with guys I'm interested and just be able to relax and be myself.

I'll get there, it's just going to take some work. And work I shall.

'Live while you can, live while you can' ~John Mellencamp

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Freud would love me...

I've had a fun day today. No work and no school, a day entirely to myself.

I've found that being left on my own is dangerous to my health.

Having nothing to do but mindless tasks and nobody to talk to, I had no choice but to retreat into my own twisted psyche for entertainment. The whole day was me playing a rousing game of 'what if...?' with myself. You know, what if he thinks I'm boring? What if mom comes home and sees that I've done absolutely nothing? What if she thinks I'm mad at her because I haven't called her in a while? You get the idea.

In my case, it tends to be centered mostly around guys and love. And instead of what iffing about what's wrong with him and what he's doing, I've been psycho-analyzing myself. See, I know I'm afraid of men and relationships. And I know I act retarded around guys I'm interested in, I'm trying so hard to be myself that I'm not myself. So I'm what iffing about my problems. What if he thinks I'm boring because I couldn't come up with anything to talk about? What if I'm chosing guys that are leaving self conciously to protect myself from actually having to have a relationship? What if I'm just waiting for a guy to force me into a relationship instead of trying to force myself? What if all this thinking is what's giving me this depressed feeling and accompanying migraine?

I'm trying to think of a good way to casually put everything on the table, but I don't know if such a thing exists. All I know is I want to be able to stop obsessing over everything and get back to having a life...or lack thereof. I'm tired of feeling pressure to have a boyfriend, have sex, and fall in love. I want to believe that if I leave the whole thing alone it will happen on its own, but what if it doesn't? All I know is I've been trying to make it happen for years and I haven't gotten myself anywhere but into trouble.

So, the goal is for tomorrow to go to work and not to focus on him. If I think about him, put it out of my mind, talk to him when it's appropriate, but don't go out of my way to be around him or talk to him. Forget about it all and focus on having a good time.

Love is for fools. Bah humbug.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

I thought I gave up games in elementary school...

Tonight was super slow at the restaurant. It might not have been so incredibly boring if Kevin had been there, but Meghan was covering for him. So I'm left to yet another stretch of overanalyzing and wondering and wavering between embarrassed and giddy.

I'm going through this whole range of emotions and I have to wonder, why is it so hard to be honest? Wouldn't it be easier for me to just own up to my feelings, get some concrete anwsers and go from there? I know he knows that I like him, thanks to Zach and Jess and their need to interfere in my life. But of course, what if he really isn't interested, just trying to be friendly? There's no security, and having both limited experience with men and limited self esteem, I don't know if I could handle putting myself out there. Especially since Kevin seems so intent on not letting the relationship progress much further....at least not right now.

I can only guess what's going on in his head.

I really don't want to be playing games like this.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

4:15am Does Not A Good Bed Time Make

Ow. My finger hurts. But I guess that's what I get for trying to chop it off. This is why they don't let me work in the kitchen.

I was listening to this great song by the Weepies, called 'This is not your year'. It says 'there's a world of shiny people somewhere else, out there following their bliss, living easy, getting kissed, while you're still wondering what else you're doing wrong'. And that's definitely what I've been wondering recently.

Like with this one guy I work with. He's a really great guy, cute, funny, and caring. And I've gotten the vibe that he's interested in me. He talks to me quite a bit at work, sits down right next to me, gives me massages, he even has my phone number. But I feel like things aren't going anywhere. I mean, I flirt with him like mad, and anyone who knows me knows that I don't flirt. I'm doing everything I know how to do to get the message across that I'm interested too, and yet nothing's happening. I give him loads of opportunities to progress the relationship, and I don't know why nothing's happened yet. And I'm not going to lie, I'm starting to get impatient and frustrated. I guess I shouldn't stress about it, seeing as he'll be gone for the summer in two weeks...I guess at this point it's more of a pride issue, I know that he knows that I like him, so if he doesn't make a move I know it's because he's not interested like I thought.

But that's what retail therapy is for.

"and your life feels like the morning after all year long"